I want everything to go wrong

I’ve been thinking for a while now that the solution to all my problems would be for things to get worse.

Making decisions is incredibly difficult, especially when everything is going more or less fine. When everything is lukewarm. When there’s the occasional bad thing, but plenty of good things too. When it’s a compromise that is easy to accept. When nothing is amazing, but somehow everything works. Unfortunately.

I have a job with 40 days of vacation that lets me work from home quite a bit. I live in a beautiful house filled with light, in a great location, with a terrace and two bedrooms, and with rent control (meaning it’s not too expensive). I have a boyfriend who takes care of me, who loves me, and we’re working on improving our relationship. I live in a country that offers a high quality of life. What more could I ask for? Better yet, what problems could I possibly have!!

Well, the problem is that nothing excites me. There is a part of me that is dimmed; I feel apathetic. Sometimes I dream of leaving it all behind, of telling everything to go to hell. Going back to my mother’s house and then, without any rush, seeing what I do, seeing what happens. Not having responsibilities for a moment. Not having to think about paying rent, or going to work on Monday (or any other day of the week). But then I come to my senses and tell myself that I’m not willing to lose certain things. Not yet. Not like that. Because I also know that wouldn’t make me happy either.

And so the days go by, and I live trapped in the limbo of complacency, of comfort. I’m in a strategic position, I tell myself. I have flexibility. I can play with my life however I please. But then I realize that playing isn’t living.

And that’s why sometimes I wish something would go wrong. That I’d get fired, that they wouldn’t renew my lease, that my boyfriend would leave me. I want something to wreck me, to dismantle this life, to make me feel something. For a giant hand to pick me up with two fingers and flick me out of here like a piece of grit. For something to force me to act, to move. To have no other choice. For someone to make the decision for me. For someone to throw me into a cold bath.

For someone to pull me out of this lukewarm water that, at some point, will start to boil and end up cooking me. Like the frog, you know.

- jú.